THE UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH AND DIPLOMA MILL

THE UNIVERSAL LIFE CHURCH MONASTERY

Here's the "Universal Life Church", which will ordain anyone as a minister over the internet instantly, for free. The only thing they require is your name, address, and email address. There is no requirement that you do anything, there's not even a requirement that you've ever even set foot in a church. The ordination certificate will appear as a pop-up window, and can be printed right then.

Not surprisingly, they advertise that they have ordained over 20 MILLION ministers.

I found their "Ministry In A Box" especially amusing. They note that it is not required, but that you will want to buy it (for $129) if you are serious about being a minister. That being said, I have to ask ... if you're serious about being a minister, why are you getting an instant online ordination in the first place?

They also note that the "Ministry In A Box" is helpful in making money as a minister.

Hmmmmm .....

They do have certain standards, though. As they state in their instructions, "Please only ordain others with their permission. (This includes public figures, cartoon, and other fictional characters.)" I guess that means ordination for Homer Simpson is out .... although it certainly seems like something ol' Homer would do. lol.

You can also buy a title from them for $10, no prerequisites necessary. Available titles include, among many others:

Angel, Archbishop, Baron, Baroness, Bishop, Cardinal, Chaplain, Colonel, Dervish, Druid, Elder, Faith Healer, Father, Free Thinker, Friar, Goddess, Guru, Hadji, High Priest, High Priestess, Lama, Martyr, Missionary Doctor , Monk, Monsignor, Most Reverend, Christian Mother Superior, Mystical Philosopher, Orthodox Monk, Priest, Priestess, Prophet, Psychic Healer, Rabbi, Revelator, Saintly Healer, Seer, Shaman, Soul Therapist, Spiritual Healer, Spiritual Warrior, Swami, Thanatologist, The Very Esteemed, Universal Rabbi, Universal Religious Philosopher, Wizard

Out of all the possible titles, I think I like "Universal Philosopher of Absolute Reality" myself. *grin* But, I don't think anyone ordained through ULC has the common sense to ascertain reality, absolute or otherwise ....

If they ever offer "Grand Poobah of the Universe", I guess I'll have to plop down the ten bucks. I've always wanted to be a Grand Poobah, in the true Flintstones tradition. And apparently it's possible for me to live that dream, because they go on to state:

"If you wish to have a special title bestowed by the church and it is not named in the list above, you may make a special request for that title. If it is a religious title the church will consider your request. The ULC does not bestow titles that are belief system specific like Pope or Jedi Knight etc. ...... Please do not submit clearly inappropriate requests such as Sex Goddess ....."

Is it just me, or does anyone else find it odd that they consider the titles "Pope" and "Jedi Knight" similar enough to be included in the same sentence?

Perhaps I'll see if they'd be willing to bestow my most favored title upon me. I'll let you know.

Or, maybe I'll go a step further and become a monk. They have their own online monastery, or so they say. What would I learn there? Well, no less than "confidential and highly specialized information about thought control, mind expansion, thought progression, memory and the awesome powers of the “third-eye” transmission abilities will be taught and they are not for everyone." I should think not.

What the heck. Why go the monastery route, when you can just pay them for a doctorate? For $35 I could get either a "Doctor of Divinity", "Doctor of Metaphysics", "Doctor of Universal Life" or "Doctor of Immortality" degree. For $40 I can get a "Doctor of Motivation". For $50 I can get a "Doctor of Religious Science"; and for $60 a "Doctorate of Biblical Studies". Or one could go for the Big Kahuna and fork over $105 for a "Doctor of Philosophy In Religion".

I think that last one would be the way to go. As the site says, "We offer a Ph.D. in religion. This course is available for a free-will offering of $105.00. Take this course, answer 75% of the questions correctly and we will grant you a Ph.D. in religion. People around the world have this degree. Online tutoring available for the asking - especially after completing your examination BEFORE returning it by mail to Modesto - send me an email of your answers 1-20 and I will advise you to reconsider certain questions. If you would enjoy having a PERFECT SCORE OF 100% this is one means of achieving. I will not give you the answers, no it does not work that way! I will make suggestions for your review. 75% is required so you may miss 5 out of 20, but why not be PERFECT when in truth you are PERFECT in our eyes already, now we have a test to back up our evaluation!"

So, you can get a doctorate literally by playing "20 Questions" - AND you're encouraged to cheat. Can't beat that!

They make a big deal out of saying that it's an accredited doctoral degree. Problem is, it's accredited by the "International Accrediting Association", which is itself completely unaccredited and unrecognized. In fact - and this is hilarious - the "International Accrediting Association" has the same address as the Universal Life Church. They also state "YOU will legally be entitled to use the title Dr. in front of your name and D.D. after your name. Please remember, this is equal in the eyes of the law to any other Doctor of Divinity Degree issued by any other institution of higher learning."

So, why spend hundreds of thousands of dollars and years of your life working hard to get a doctorate from, say, HARVARD, when you can get one that's just as legal through the Universal Life Church instead?

Hehehehe .......

Idiots.